By Michael Pearson, Staff Writer
Back in July, you may have seen – or even signed up for – an event called “Storm Area 51”, just to “see them aliens.” Despite what you may have heard, the event on Sept. 20 was a success, exposing the hidden secrets of Area 51.
The original sign-up page, which included two million participants, was full of people who were adamant that “they (the government) can’t stop us all.”
The million people who actually attended were split into two groups. About 50 percent were Kyles – gamers who drink many energy drinks. The other half were Naruto runners, those who prefer running in a style from various anime shows.
The raid started early in the morning, with the Kyles lined up in the front and Naruto runners in the back.
“Once we were all ready, someone screamed ‘charge,’ so we ran in,” said Mike Honcho, a resident of Wyoming who traveled to Nevada for the event.
The original plan from Facebook to have the Kyles in the front while the Naruto runners ran inside the base from the back worked flawlessly, allowing most of the raiders to enter with ease.
“The other Naruto runners and I ran through the wall of Kyles and were able to enter the base successfully,” Honcho said.
Area 51 has been one of the government’s best-kept secrets, and many have been eager to know what is hiding behind those barbed-wire fences.
“There weren’t as many aliens as I thought there would be,” Honcho said. “We found toothpaste recommended by 10 out of 10 dentists, and hand sanitizer that kills 100 percent of bacteria and germs instead of 99.99 percent, but no aliens.”
And being that Area 51 is one of the most secure military institutions in America, it turned out to be just as hard to escape as it was to enter.
“We found a Fortnite bus inside of the warehouse and drove through the fence,” Honcho said. “It had just enough gas to get us to the closest town, where we called an Uber to get home.”
During the interview, a Florida Man made it clear that he was disappointed in how the raid turned out and stated that he may take legal action against the people responsible for the raid.
“I was disappointed that I couldn’t enter the base,” Florida man said. “I am happy that some of us got in, though”
Though there were no aliens to be seen, this raid showed the passion and dedication which Americans have when faced with the chance to “see them aliens.”
Sophomore Michael Pearson can be reached at [email protected] – assuming he’s not picked up by the CIA after the feds read this story.
The editors would like to note that this is a satirical piece.
